This is What Happens When Someone Gives Me an Idea
by Indy is awesome
Summary: What happens when Renesmee murders Jacob? Rated K for outright silliness and appeal to general audiences.


Nessie and Jacob Kill Each Other!

A Fanfic by Alec Wiley

A/N: Just to clear things up: IMO, If a "vampire" can be killed in any way, then before you kill him or her, he or she would be alive.

Once upon a time, there lived a perfectly happy family. It was, in fact, deeply disturbing, but much like Uncle Tom's Cabin, in all senses of the allusion. However, the illusion was that this happiness was genuine. It was, in fact, deeply rooted within themselves that such a fairy-tale paradise with such a shallow, reflective surface could not possibly last, and all it would take was one little pop to put it all in disorder and din.

It began with a human's attraction to a vampire; something [i]everyone[/i] should have been warned for and advised against. No one really seemed to give a damn about the HUMONGOUS implications it might have. Even the lax vampire plutocracy and opposing werewolf factions could not stop the madness, even when an immortal half-vampire child was created that broke not only all the rules of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for all vampires, but also the moral grounds of common sense and logic. Meanwhile, logic took a backseat AGAIN when that vampire clan's most feared mortal enemy (and yet the human-turned-vampire's best friend) imprinted on his own mortal enemy, which, by the way, was a combination of it and its' prey, and thus, evolutionarily implausible. Common sense factors aside, after everything was cleared over by not only the oligarchy, by not only the werewolves, [b]by not only the child's own parents[/b], some time later, the monster Dhamphir Renesmee and Jacob Black, were wed. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately for us), no one could have ever predicted what would happen when the land's most implausible couple had sex…

It was late one afternoon during the couple's many, many summer breaks. They were about to have sex for the first time, and Jacob randomly strolled in one day and sat on top of his wife.

"Could you move over, bitch? I'm trying to get a tan!" spat Jacob.

"Oh, be quiet, you piss-face," she retorted. "I'm trying to soak up the sun here, or else I'll die."

"That's some bullshit right there, bitch," snarled Jacob.

"Did you think I asked for this shit?" she snarled back. "You goddamn loser! Of all the stupid things to imprint on that goddamn baby; ME, and now we're STUCK like this!"

He nearly killed himself by leaning in a little closer by nibbling on her ear. She hissed like a cat after a vasectomy.

"Well, I still have one trick up my sleeve," he said.

"What's that?" she barked, "Fetching a stick?"

"No, no, no," he said, "Sex," and once he started kissing her, he couldn't stop. She tasted so good, so yummy, and incredibly delicious; she was like his pile of Lucky Charms. Naturally, he was horrified, and tried to break it off with her, but it turned out she was equally horrified, since she realized she was draining his blood out of his system and pulsing in him venom. Now, according to Stephenie Meyer, a half-vampire, especially when "young", is much more dangerous and lethal than a regular vampire, so according to her own advice…

"MMMMRRRGGGHHHH!" shouted Jacob, his blood wildly spinning out of control and causing his entire body to swell. It would only be a matter of time before he burst.

"GGGRRRRGGGHHHHRRRMMMMHHHH!" capitulated Renesmee, trying to make it clear that she was sorry and that she would try to find help to solve this, in any way! However, Jacob was digging at her flesh, tearing it up, and eating her teeth and collarbone by the second. Soon, he would be on his way to her medulla oblongata, where all bodily control was kept, and she would soon die. However, a much more sinister force was at wait, watching and lurking in the bushes.

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were pulling out the _Sexus Transmograti_ spells as long as they could with their wands that were nearly on fire. They had already burned down the Cullen home, and destroyed the rogue shapeshifters. The Vampire Illuminati had all been nearly demolished thanks to special operatives teams all over the world. Now, their most dangerous enemies were about to be killed, but there were only scant seconds left before their brains would turn to silly putty from the sheer amount of effort it took to kill them.

"Blimey," strangled out Ron in a choke, "Are their bodies made out of molten lead, Herm?"

"Keep quiet," instructed Hermione, "We don't want to give ourselves away."

So the arduous process continued, and finally, a breakthrough came.

Jacob had long devoured Renesmee's brains and even her spinal cord, but like any unholy zombie, Nessie's body parts shortly came back to life thereafter, and attempted, in a way guided by necessity instead of reason, to strangle Jacob and try and break him apart into little tiny pieces; however, Jacob promptly exploded and ash littered the landscape. The sheer shock (well, sonic boom was more like it) of this force completely destroyed and incinerated Renesmee's body, and she was no more.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione hurriedly checked the scene to see if everything was okay. There was nothing but ash, pixie dust, and a burned-down mobile home outside of Tulsa. They hooted, gave high-fives, and promptly apparated to Gil's All-Fright Diner to drink Firewhiskey and celebrate, who had given them specific instructions on how, where, when, what, and why to apparate to that secret location.

A/N: And that's it! Comments are appreciated. _^_^_


End file.
